PSA: Tips for safe Practical Jokes & Pranks.

Some stuff I learned through experience.

  1. It is always a bad idea to involve Government Services. Public Servants have a very short fuse and they despise being involved in something funny that they did not create. Calling 911 to report screaming coming out of your neighbor’s house while they are having sex is a no-no. Nothing endangers good relations with you town dwellers and the local fuzz as having somebody dragged naked to a patrol car with a face full of pepper spray and the ensuing civil lawsuit. Also do not call USAMRIID and tell them that the arabic-looking owners of the nearby 7-11 present Ebola symptoms and they are chanting while coughing over the sandwiches. That the 7-11 owners are Dominican and singing salsa and bachata tunes will not make a difference to the lab rats in the white NBC suits.
  2. Never pull a scary prank on somebody packing a gun or with easy access to crew served weapons. You never saw Allen Funt or whathisname in Punk’d trying to scare the daylights of anybody in a gun shop or range. There is a rumor that some idiot actually came up with a fake zombie invasion on Ted Nugen’ts ranch never to be heard from again. It is alleged that nearby earthquake monitors registered the amount of shooting coming out of the Nugent Household.
  3. If the joke ends with stitches, Celox or calling for a casket, you have gone too far. Remember, one of the great things about practical jokes is to have the mark laugh alongside with you after is over. If your prank results in major medical intervention or the presence of a coroner at the end of the practical joke, you may want to tone it down a smidgen for the next time.
  4. Be tasteful. Dragging body parts stolen from the morgue behind your car like some ghoulish Newlywed decoration is just tasteless. That kins of stuff should be reserved for Halloween only.
  5. Avoid E-Mails that warn about nasty or scary pending legislation. Not only this is an old and tired joke that nobody buys anymore, but you are an amateur writing idiocy in legalese. Besides Congress will beat any comer… and for real.
  6. Make sure your mark does not mind being the target of a prank. Unfortunately some people have no sense of humor, specially wives and significant others of the female persuasion. If you keep telling your wife that she looks like Britney Spears and then give her a USMC Boot Camp haircut while she is asleep, expect yourself to wake up without some body parts, the house, the truck, the kids and the bank account and a restraining order crazy glued to your butt.

Enjoy April’s Fool!