Weather in South Florida: A guide for the uninitiated. (Spring?)

As the upper 49 states are progressing into Spring, Facebook, Twitter and other elements of social media are full of pictures and accounts of cold receding,Ā  flowers blooming and cute critters in love.

Down here in South Florida we are “enjoying” our traditional schizophrenic weather.

I used to live in Tennessee and my favorite season was (and is) Fall. For somebody who lived 90% of his life in a perpetual state of green, the change of colors has always struck me as Nature’s feat of art. I miss it and I miss the smells of Fall. But, did you know that South Florida actually has a Fall season too? Yup! We are having it right now! I did say our weather is schizophrenic.

The thing is colors don’t change into those fantastic browns and gold and ocher. Leaves may turn a wee bit yellow and suddenly everything frigging tree in the area sheds its old cover like a cheap 70s shag carpet. And I do mean suddenly: you go to sleep one night and wake up the next day with your car covered in dead leaves as if somebody sprayed Paraquat while you were trading snores with the Sandman. Snakes take longer shedding skin.

If you are wondering about empty branches, nay. It is like the new green stuff just came from behind the old, kick it in the butt and took its place. For Yankees from up North is confusing to see about a foot of dead leaves on the ground and have trees full of freshly green leaves. Did you know that Greek god of winds Aeolus vacations in South Florida during this time? And he is an expert on blowing all the leaves right up to your front door in such quantities that you could hide a 7 foot gator under the pile without a problem.

Now, if the falling of leaves is not confusing enough, the sudden temperature & humidity shifts will drive any sane person insane. You can wake up one morning at 55 degrees and be in the low 90s by 1:00 pm. I know Yanks love to laugh at the idea of 55 degrees being referred as cold, but then again we are the ones that have to pick up the pale and molten remains of Mid-Westerners and New Yorkers from the sidewalks of our cities as their metabolisms and physiology cannot handle the bi-polar weather. And the humidity? More males die at the hands of their spouses and girlfriends during this season than any other time of the year for making a silly comment about their hair. The typical South Florida woman will carry enough hair products and accouterments with her to open up a hair saloon. It has been said that no house built in South Florida after the 70s has less than 2 bathrooms for the specific reason as to reduce male mortality. The master bathroom is designed for women with lots of room, great light, at least eight electric sockets and enough counter space to perform an autopsy. The second bathroom is a regular for the man to hide from the fury of their mates as they try to fix their tops. Most of the male bathrooms come with reinforced doors and an escape hatch for those dire emergencies.

The so-called-Spring comes to an end with a delightful tradition by Mother Nature: Love Bugs. Love Bugs are like your little nephews on Red Bull: they are not really harmful, but you get tired of them sticking themselves into everything and they just won’t stop. Constant talkers will get an extra dose of protein in their diets as Love Bugs apparently are attracted to the humidity in your uvula. Not even starving Mariachis will play outside during this time of the year. Love Bug season lasts about a month and ends when they start exploding on mid-air as temperatures rise from “Oh My Frigging God it is like an oven in here!” to “Who left Hell’s Door open?” A.K.A. “Summer”.

But that is another different post altogether.

13 Replies to “Weather in South Florida: A guide for the uninitiated. (Spring?)”

  1. This is pretty true for central Florida as well.
    As a bonus, that thick layer of live oak leaves can and will poison one’s lawn if left too long.




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    1. Heh. I dated a girl at Randolph-Macon who came from Miami.

      She put sweaters on whenever it dropped below about 75F. Kept her dorm room set to “Finnish Sauna”.




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  2. Spring in my neck of the woods… 58 inches of snow from April 1 to the 20th. :-\

    Concurr, though. Fall is the best time of year. Not too hot, not too cold, colorful and full of promise, smells great and it’s actually refreshing to be outside those days.




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  3. Heh! Ficus religiosa, an import from India, scares people when it suddenly drops its leaves in April. Yet, that is the nature of the beast.




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  4. Here in Central Florida, we get a bit more of a fall in the fall. I have a maple in my yard with leaves that turn yellow and drop, usually in late November to early December. The “helicopter seeds” show up in January, in telltale red when they’re young, and the leaves literally spring out green and grow halfway overnight, usually in mid February. Growing branches have red leaves at the ends.

    When conditions are good, you can drive around and see a surprising amount of fall colors. Still very subtle compared to North Carolina or Tennessee hardwood forests, but enough to notice without.

    But I grew up in Miami. I know exactly what you’re talking about.




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  5. Yeah sounds about like what I’ve been dealing with here in Texas. Mother nature has certainly truly been ‘schizo’ this year. cold for two days, warm for two days, cold, warm, dry dry wet, dry wet cold.
    Which has been playing merry hell with both my allergies AND my eczema. the latter of which goes into overdrive in cold dry weather. I told a friend the other day “If mother nature had a corporeal body I’d punch the bitch in the face”
    And yesterday I got almost 7.5″ of rain inside of 3.5hrs..oh the joys of being flooded in, looking at the radar and seeing no end to the red orange and yellow areas marching upon you in an endless wave and wondering if your going to lose the house to flood water. *grumble* on a day that the weather geeks said was ONLY 20-30% chance for some storms or showers….
    Sigh. Fracking streets were under water within 60 minutes of the rain starting at 4pm and STAYED that way til ohhhh….10pm. cleaned up the mess in the yard and in the street this morning. *grumble*

    Sigh…sorry didn’t mean to rant Miguel. šŸ™‚




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  6. I laughed so hard the tears were flowing freely. Sweet wife was looking my way with a look that said “Men with nets”. I told her she would just have to read it for herself.




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  7. On the subject of bathrooms, I just built a house and had the builder put a bathroom with a sink in the garage. The garage doubles as a workshop in additon to a place to keep the cars. For some reason my wife will not go near it even though I keep it clean.

    Far and away the best design feature of the house




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  8. The Hernando Sportsman’s Club is a gun show at the Hernando County Fairgrounds, (6436 Broad Street, Brooksville, FL) on Saturday, May 11th, from 9:00 a.m. until 5:00 p.m., and Sunday, May 12th from 9:00 a.m. until 4:00… … Editor of SpringHillNow.com, Keeley earned a B.A. in Economics with a minor in Political Science from the University of South Florida.south florida gun show




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