U.S. States Most And Least Likely To Survive The Zombie Apocalypse: Florida.

So this study (I know , a joke) is making the round in the webs. I was amazed that Florida ranked so low and I checked what factors they are taking in consideration and found out that, not surprisingly they have the data wrong.

florida zombie survival
Click to enlarge

1-Active Military Personnel (31): I really do not see what this has to do with anything unless the author thinks the Military will be the entity that will save us all. Unfortunately and as recent events show, when you have a unarmed members of the military in bases, they are just as much targets as anybody from New Jersey on a Saturday Night.

2Military Veterans (17): Allegedly because they have experience fighting…. then again we are talking about Zombies and not the Wehrmacht here.

3-Physically Active (28):  It says “States with residents who rarely get out of their Laz-E-Boy will not escape the zombie menace” What is it with the “you must run to save your life” thing? The only thing you will accomplish is to end up tired and bumping into more zombies. Let them come to you.

4Martial Arts Enthusiasts (36): Also known as Zombie Fodder. Really? you are planning on go Jackie Chan with living corpses unable to feel pain?

5-People with Survival Skills (44):  Hey Sparky… Hurricane Zone rings a bell? If you live here, you learn to develop Survival Skills…and the smart ones to boot. We kinda have a long tradition of Survival Skills applied in real life.

6-People with Knowledge of Zombies (37): Wait… Are you frigging kidding me? Not only we are home to the biggest Haitian community in the US but we are a puddle jump from the island and we are 37? Where do you thinks Zombies come from? Saskatchewan?

7-Laser Tag Enthusiasts (20): Dude, the only lasers we care about are mounted in our guns…the one that spit real bullets.

8-People with Guns (42): this one made me laugh hard. According to the ranking, the Gunshine State (I wonder why we got the nickname) is about the same in gun ownership as the most strict gun controlled states. In 2013 alone, Florida had one million NICS checks for purchasing weapons or 5% of all the new firearms purchases in the US.

9-Obesity(12):  This is a repeat of 3 and already answered.

10-Paintball Enthusiasts: Laser Tag all over again. SMH.

11-Triathletes: Run, you will only die tired.

OK, why Florida will do OK and better than average if the Zombie Invasion were to come?

1-We ain’t running away. Experience with natural disaster has taught us that the best way to get in real crap is to leave your home and go out where you don’t know what’s going on.  Stay home where you have a nice cache of food, water and ammo and ride the zombie wave. And for the doubters, may I remind you that Florida homes are not the cardboard crap with unprotected windows that show in zombie movies.
Hurricane Panels and other devices make for great Zombie Defenses.

2-We are the frigging Gunshine State: Do I need say more? We have more small arms here than all the US Military.

Gabby Franco: Top Shot competitor & Florida Resident.

3- One word, Machetes: Are you impressed at the Shaolin Monks developing a martial arts based on agricultural implements? Them monks would run for the Great Wall of China when facing a mob of pissed off Floridians of Caribbean descent with razor sharp machetes. Even Miyamoto Musashi would have gone “Fuck this” and hide in a Geisha House.

4- Another word, Gators: Zombies are attracted by sound, so the only thing we need to do is to get some stereos and/or some DJs in the middle of the everglades, the zombies will take strolls to a beautiful National Park and become one with nature. At least they will get stuck in the swamp and go nowhere.

The don't call part of I-75 Alligator Alley for kicks.
The don’t call part of I-75 Alligator Alley for kicks.

 

5-It is frigging hot down here: With hot and humid weather at least 9 months out of the year, Zombies will take little time becoming decomposing masses of biological matter.  The stink would be supreme but a couple of good storms and even a hurricane would clean up the mess.

 

So, if the Zombie Apocalypse hits us, come to Florida for the sun, the fun, the guns and the cold drinks with cute little umbrellas.

And I think this will be the last Zombie post I’ll ever do. The Meme is pretty well dead….unless they make the Monster Hunter International Movie and/or TV Series.

7 Replies to “U.S. States Most And Least Likely To Survive The Zombie Apocalypse: Florida.”

  1. Go Colorado, #3!

    If they’re right about the laser tag thing, I’m also in good standing. When I was on, I tended to get 1st rank by a fairly high margin.

    If they’re wrong and it’s just guns… I have an armory and a family-owned refuge in a sparsely-populated location.

    Colorado does have one advantage over places like California and Texas. It’s hard to walk when your brains are rotting out your ears, and our terrain is not shambler-friendly.




    0



    0
  2. They used Facebook. All you have to do is list a bunch on interests and they assume skill. Yes, it’s a just for fun ranking.




    0



    0

Feel free to express your opinions. Trolling, overly cussing and Internet Commandos will not be tolerated .