Why Most Gun People cannot write Horror Movies.

“Mommy! Cujo looks weird. He is foaming at the mouth and growling!”

“BANG!”

“OK, he is dead now.”

The End.


 

“We are gonna need a bigger boat.”

“Holy crap that thing is huge! Barret .50 Cal or C-4?”

“Why not both?”

“BANG—BOOM”

The End.


 

“Heeeere’s Johnny!”

“Here is Pietro Beretta Motherf*****!”

“BANG!”

The End.

 

Norman Bates on the floor of the bathroom, bleeding out of three bullet holes in his chest:

“Who takes shower with a gun? <cough>”

“I do. It comes in handy, doesn’t it?”


 

 

Add your own 😀

32 Replies to “Why Most Gun People cannot write Horror Movies.”

  1. I was watching CinemaSins episodes for a couple of horror movies and my roommate came along and said “Wow, he really hates this movie, doesn’t he?”
    I said “No, it’s just that horror movies tend to be really bad, because the situations have to be contrived and the characters have to act stupidly or there’s no movie.”




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  2. “There’s a demonic, large flight of angry pigeons headed towards town.”

    “Whitney, take the plug out of your 1100 while I download all that buckshot from my Streetsweeper and load up the Number Eights.”

    “Mack, be sure to call the Game Warden. I don’t want you getting no more bag limit violations”




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  3. Hero holding shotgun aloft: “This is my BOOM STICK!”

    Peasant raises hand: “Put that away! We don’t want to start another open-carry protest debate on the forums!”




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  4. “The girls in my caving group were murdered by a specially evolved Native American tribe that lives in a cave and hunts by sound.”

    “Well, ma’am, luckily for you, thanks to the ever increasing militarization of police, the department has NVGs and MP-5SD3s for every deputy. Let us get some breakfast and we’ll head right on in there.”

    (The Descent)




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  5. “Okay, let me get this straight, the hills are full of inbred hillbillies that tried to eat you and your boyfriend?”

    “Ah hell, that’s probably my cousin Earl and his kin, but let me get my AR- just in case, aw hell, (shouting into the dispatch room), DARLENE! Call Bubba and Grady and tell them we’re heading into the mountains. Earl is getting rowdy again. Tell ’em both to wear armor and bring long guns. We’ll get this sorted out right quick, ma’am.”

    (The Hills Have Eyes)




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  6. BG: “On this night where nothing is illegal, I’m going to stand out here in plain view threatening you until my associates arrive with means to breach your defenses after which we will slaughter you and your family.”

    Hero: *extends barrel of .308 semi-auto out firing port*
    “Is that so?” BOOM! “Hey! Where are y’all going?”




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    1. I always viewed that movie as a parable about the deep stupidity of gun control. “Hey everybody, let’s spend tens of thousands of dollars to turn our house into a fortress to make us safe! What- didn’t work? Then I guess we’ll die horribly!”
      If nothing is illegal, where’s the packs of bored suburbanites out hunting criminals?




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      1. The bored suburbanites are out hunting the idiot liberals and democrats who declared the suburbanites’ neighborhood to be a “Gun Free Zone” the day before.




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  7. “Looks like it takes a full BAR magazine to kill a Shoggoth. Tough critters, ain’t they? And don’t read that crap on the alter, it will mess yer head up. Just blow it up with the demo satchel.”




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  8. Aside- this is why I love “The Thing” so very much.
    They pretty much break out the flamethrowers at the first sign of trouble.




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      1. On the other hand, they knew from the blood testing scene that every cell of the monster was alive, yet still tried to kill it with dynamite. Good way to create an army of the dang things…




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  9. Nightmare on Elm Street still works. A creepy guy with knife fingers is threatening me. I’ll just draw my – oops, pistol isn’t there, because Nightmare. Ok, my pocket knife – oops, not there because Nightmare. Well, my jujitsu training – doesn’t matter, because Stabby Fingers is a teleporting tentacle-jointed Nightmare.




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  10. One horror movie that would have been a lot better, ironically, is Bowling For Columbine. Every second Michael Moore wasn’t being shot or threatening with imminent shooting, could have been dramatically improved with tasteful violence.




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  11. Lawdog’s “Shoulda-Been” movie lines:
    “My name is…Dracula. Velcome to my…vere the hell did you get a flamethrower?”

    “Ma’am, we are at the highest location, with a clear line-of-sight for 1,000 yards, and Earl and I can neuter gnats at 400 yards with these .300 Weatherbys.”

    “Before you go into that dark, scary, critter-crawling basement why don’t you toss in Uncle Bubba’s lucky frag grenade?”

    “He sure looks dead. Whack him with the fire axe a couple a more times to make sure.”

    “Sir, near as we can tell, the pyscho crashed something called a ‘TFL Meet’, fired up his chainsaw, and wound up catching more bullets than went through the last four John Woo movies.”

    “Darn right I believe you, miss. I’ve got Ft. Bragg on the phone right now.”

    “Camp Crystal Lake Welcomes the National IDPA Shoot-Off!”

    “You know, since the ghoulies are fixated on this one woman, why don’t we put some armed men inside the room where she’s sleeping, instead of dinking around on the other side of the locked bedroom doors?”

    “Okay, so the house told us to GET OUT. Set off the napalm, darling.”

    “Fire mission! Target is butcher with axe in the open, will adjust.”

    “Instead of sneaking around a vampire infested house after dark, why don’t we blow the place with dynamite at noon?”

    “Regenerate, schmegenerate. This is a Barrett Light Fifty.”

    “Killer bats don’t phase Jolene none. She’s the State Sporting Clays Champeen.”

    “Folks, the horde of Evil Minions will be here any second. Now’s your last chance to get a Horde Minion Hunting Permit.”

    “Father O’Bannon, I appreciate the Holy Evil-Slaying Dagger, I really do, but could you see your way into talking the Pope into blessing a Garand or three? This hand-to-hand stuff bites.”

    “Well, Mister Fed, near as we can tell, the engines in your little green fellas saucer don’t do well around corn squeezin’s. Pity they picked right next to Billy Bob’s still for a landing. Found the biggest bits in the next county.”

    “Oh, my God, Mr. President, the Alien Overlords crashed a family reunion somewhere in Southwest Louisiana. Early reports indicate that the Conquerers of 10,000 Worlds made, and I quote: ‘A damn fine jambalaya.’ Unquote.”

    “I have a thought — why don’t we make the prototype of the genetically-modified killing thing bright neon orange? With a strobe light grafted to its head?”

    “So, the sewers are full of evil mutant rats. Pump in three hundred gallons of cyanide, and let’s go for tea.”

    “Okay, I get the point: they’re werewolves. This is an RPG-7V. With reloads. Let’s go play ‘Fetch’.”

    Can’t find a link, but should be attributed to thelawdogfiles.blogspot.com




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  12. In the early 2000’s there was an editorial online about how the movie “28 Days” could only work in England because in America the rage-zombies would’ve had bounties slapped on their heads and been hunted to extinction in weeks.

    Bonus quote from Dave Allan:
    “Hunting werewolves with antitank weapons is unsportsmanlike… but fun!”




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  13. “Hey, look! A bunch of slowly shuffling zombies.”
    “Let’s step out on the porch and take care of that, then we’ll go get a place with thick concrete walls.”
    “Ok, but don’t forget to bring your reloading supplies.”
    “Good point.”
    BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM. BAM.




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