I am sick of Iowa. I am sick of the caucuses. It is February 1st, and I am sick of the 2016 election cycle.
I propose a new system: Presidential Hunger Games. All the candidates, Republican and Democrat, will be dropped into an arena to face nature and each other in fight to the death for the Oval Office. Deployment to the arena will occur on the first Tuesday in November, and the last one alive wins. If there is more than one candidate alive by the first Tuesday in January, a general election will be held on the following Tuesday to pick the winner.
Campaign contributions to candidates will be in the form of supplies of food, water, survival equipment, and melee weapons. You can donate whatever you want, but a candidate can only eat and carry so much, rendering huge donations by a moneyed elite and big business pretty much obsolete.
I know, I know, this isn’t very democratic. I think the last few elections, however, have shown that Americans, by and large, can’t handle democracy. Being a responsible and educated electorate is just too difficult in an era where know-nothing reality TV stars are the primary source that many American’s get their political opinions from.
Like H.L. Mencken said: “When a candidate for public office faces the voters he does not face men of sense; he faces a mob of men whose chief distinguishing mark is the fact that they are quite incapable of weighing ideas, or even of comprehending any save the most elemental — men whose whole thinking is done in terms of emotion, and whose dominant emotion is dread of what they cannot understand. So confronted, the candidate must either bark with the pack or be lost… All the odds are on the man who is, intrinsically, the most devious and mediocre — the man who can most adeptly disperse the notion that his mind is a virtual vacuum. The Presidency tends, year by year, to go to such men. As democracy is perfected, the office represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.”
If we work hard, we might be able to get this Amendment ratified in time to affect the 2016 election. Then I propose we make this year’s arena in somewhere in the middle of the Serengeti. Nothing would make me happier than to watch Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump get turned into Hyena shit on national television.
Or maybe I’m just feeling bitter.