I had to make fun of this. I know it is from last year, but I just found out about it and it is too good to let it pass.
As she waited for six hours Monday afternoon to testify before the Texas state Senate Committee on Health and Human Services, she wrote an attention-grabbing poem titled “If My Vagina was a Gun.”
“I wanted to first appeal to their sense of personal liberty, which we feel strongly about here in Texas,” Heim said today in a phone interview. “Second, the best way to make a conservative white man feel uncomfortable is to say the word ‘vagina.’ So I said it over and over again.”
I am going to reply using the tired old excuses, slogans and assorted stupidity we get every day from the Gun Control side. Italics are mine.
If my vagina was a gun, you would stand for its rights,
(Do you have a permit to carry that vagina?)
You would ride on buses and fight all the fights.
(Vaginas are too dangerous to be allowed in buses)
If my vagina was a gun, you would treat it with care,
(I would put your vagina with other confiscated vaginas and torch them or steam roll them)
You wouldn’t spill all its secrets because, well, why go there.
(That is why we need vagina confiscation)
If my vagina was a gun, you’d say what it holds is private
(Vaginas must be regulated. In fact teddy bears have more regulations than vaginas)
From cold dead hands we could pry, you surely would riot.
(That is insurrectionist talk, treason talk. You are against Democracy)
If my vagina was a gun, its rights would all be protected,
(You don’t have a right to a vagina unless you are part of the militia)
no matter the body count or the children affected.
(We need more Vagina Free Zones so the kids can be safe)
If my vagina was a gun, I could bypass security,
(That is a threat! You are mentally unstable! We need mental tests before allowing vaginas!)
concealed carry laws would ensure I’d have impunity.
(There should be mandatory Stop and Frisk at every public location so people do not carry concealed vaginas)
If my vagina was a gun, I wouldn’t have to beg you,
(You don’t need a vagina. The government will keep you safe)
I could hunt this great land and do all the things men do.
(Vaginas for hunting are nothing more than sniper vaginas. And why would you want to kill Bambi?)
But my vagina is not a gun, it is a mightier thing,
(We cannot tolerate in our society that people own high-capacity vaginas)
With a voice that rings true making lawmakers’ ears ring.
(We need to vote out of office those lawmakers who are in the pocket of the Vagina Lobby)
Vaginas are not delicate, they are muscular and magic,
(You are just compensating for the size of your mate’s penis may it be natural or artificial)
So stop messing with mine, with legislation that’s tragic.
(We are doing it for the children. We know what is best for you)
My vagina’s here to demand from the source,
(More threats from an irrational Vagina Owner. Next thing they will demand the carry of Open Vaginas on campus)
Listen to the voices of thousands or feel their full force.
(90% of Vagina Owners agree we need Universal Background checks before you can use your vagina)
You can add your own take in the comments. Have fun!
Hat Tip to Andrew Branca.