Spousal Gravitational Force. A mystery unsolved.

If you are married/cohabiting/etc to a petite woman (or one shorter than you), you had this conversation:

Her: “Honey, can you help me out?”
You: “Yes dear, what do you need?”
Her: “Can you get the Kitchenaid Mixer from that shelf?” She points up about 8 feet above your head.


You look up and see that 25 pound chunk of USA industrial steel on the top shelf with barely 2 inches of clearing from the ceiling and ask yourself (again) the age-old question:


Who the f*** put that s**t up there? I know I didn’t.

You know better than ask her. In fact, newly weds and those of you about to get married , whenever you face this situation for the first time, don’t even bother to ask your sweeties as they will just giggle and probably says “I don’t know’ or some other deflecting answer. Old heads have tried through the ages and not even the Spanish Inquisition was able to make them confess.

So the next thing you do is, of course, stretch yourself as much as you can to see if you can get a grasp on the damned thing…and you fail. More than anything is to prove that you were not the one that put it there and then forgot. The next thing is to go get the only stepladder in your home which if you remember correctly is still on the side of the house where you left it 8 months ago when you were repairing the flashing, cut yourself and fell on your ass. And yes, the stepladder is still there but it is now half covered and trapped by the honeysuckle you planted at your wife’s behest last year.

So after getting the garden shears and liberating the ladder, you traipse inside the house, set the ladder and finally bring down the massive kitchen device while at the same time pinching a nerve in your spine. With a considerable amount of pain and self-control, you place the mixer in the counter, toss the ladder outside,  get two ounces of scotch with a Percocet chaser and pass out on the couch. When you wake up 12 hours later, it is night and your loved one is already in bed. You stumble onto the kitchen where she has left you supper ready, but your confused mind rings an alarm bell you can’t seem to identify: something is wrong, but can’t tell what it might be.

Halfway through your cold platter, you finally figure it out: The mixer is no longer on the counter. Once again, you look up and the damned demonic device is back again eight feet from the floor. Just to confirm your suspicions, you turn on the back porch light and see that the step-ladder is in the same place you dropped it. Damn it! She did it again!

Here is the conundrum: How come they can place items so high up, but cannot retrieve them? I have a theory that might seem far-fetched but it is the only explanation I can find: They are able to manipulate gravity as their weight increases when they pick up an object.

The explanation I propose is that a woman is able to nullify gravity and levitate on command the moment they pick up any object 10 pounds and over. Once the object in securely in their hands, they can reverse the gravitational pull and lift themselves gradually off the ground. Once the object is placed where they want, the gravitational pull returns gradually and they descend till they are safely back on terra firma. That is the only way I can fathom they can put shit way up there, but need us to bring them down.

My theory would also explain why women can carry such heavy purses and bags without seemingly an effort. I swear my wife’s handbag weighs more than my range bag with 2 handguns, 500 rounds of ammo for the pistols, 200 rounds of double ought buckshot plus all the crap we take to the range with us.  And the only reason they sometime ask us to carry a heavy piece of luggage during a trip is that they are afraid to accidentally levitate in public and give away the secret.

Yes, it sounds crazy but, do you have a better explanation for this phenomenon that has been vexing men since the dawn of time?

Cave painting representing women floating with the products of a recent hunt.
Cave painting representing women floating with the products of a recent hunt.

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