A number of years ago, I had the unfortunate responsibility of being the first person that a child told about sexual and physical abuse. I don’t regret one moment being the kind of person who that child felt comfortable (or at least less uncomfortable… such talks are NEVER comfortable) enough to talk to. I do regret that it was a talk that had to happen. That led to three years of horrible re-victimization of the child, as the courts wended their way through the course. The abuser ended up in jail (the Special Jail, way up north, and good riddance), and he’ll be there for the rest of his life. His sentence came to over 200 years. But I’d much rather the child never had to go through it at all.
I don’t know how many of you have ever been through a sexual assault or rape case (for adult OR child), but it’s a shit show. Basically, the person who was abused and harmed in one of the most intimate and trust-breaking ways ever, is forced to talk about what happened to them, in front of what amounts to an audience. Then they have to be questioned by their abuser’s lawyer, who brings up what they wore, how they acted, and what they said. They have to listen to their abuser tell them and that audience that they are just drama queens, liars, and sluts.
Did you know that if a rape or assault victim goes to therapy during the whole court process (anytime before the abuser is convicted), that their private therapy notes can be read openly in court, and used against them? It’s true. Did you know that their lawyer tells them that they are not allowed to emote in court? They’re supposed to simply sit there, with no emotion at all. Emotion can cause a jury or the judge to see things in a bad way, so they’re just supposed to be robots, basically. Did you know that their abuser’s lawyer can ask them questions like, “Did you ever get sexually aroused during the sexual activity?” and “Isn’t it true that you dressed that way to provoke sexual feelings in my client?” These are questions I have personally heard asked of someone who was 11 at the time her abuse began.
Let me introduce to you one of the groups that works with children who’ve been abused. While I didn’t know about this group when we were helping our young friend get through her court case, I am thrilled to know about them now. They are some pretty amazing people.
B.A.C.A. stands for Bikers Against Child Abuse. If you know anything about abusers, you know that sexuality is second in their list of kinks to fulfill. POWER is the first. BACA members take that power away from the abusers, and give the distinct impression that they probably know people who would happily rip their heads off and spit down their necks. They won’t, of course, because that might interfere with their mission. But they aren’t afraid to give that impression.
I’m not going to write a big thing about them. I’ll let them and one of their kids tell you about it:
When a young person, or ANY person, comes to you and says that they have been abused, listen. Take them at their word, at least at the beginning. They will meet plenty of people along the way who don’t believe them; live up to their trust and let them know you do. Even if you don’t.
Why do I say that? Well, yes, there are people who lie about being abused. It sucks, but it’s true. They are a very small minority, but they exist, and I won’t pretend they don’t. But all of you here, on GFZ, are pretty decent people. If someone feels like you are a safe place to talk about their abuse, then I trust that you’re a good person and will listen. So regardless of what you feel inside, you put on the face that says you 100% believe them. Listen. Absorb. Help them find the right people to help them, be it cop, counselor, or religious leader. If they aren’t telling the truth, that will come out fairly quickly, and you can always walk away afterward if that is the case. If you listen, you stay in a position to help the victim (because if the accuser is lying, you will get information that helps the actual victim, the accused).
By standing up and listening and holding the victim’s hand, by having their back, by giving them a place to feel safe, you are giving a great gift. You are giving a gift of life. You are giving a gift of trust. You are giving a gift of hope.
So yeah. That’s my TED Talk. Hope you liked it.
Hagar out.
Solid article Hagar.
Agree totally with your point.
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Weird thing is I got (second handedly) involved in a sexual assault case. A coworker of a close friend claimed she was assaulted by the general manager. Turned out the claim was bogus, but the shitshow that happened because of it was a learning experience. Accusations, counter accusations, repercussions against my friend because they helped the accuser. The owner of the company investigated and declared there was nothing there, but that only made the situation worse.
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Lies do happen. An angry person can make claims that do not hold up under scrutiny. And as much as we abhor the idea, sexual and physical assaults happen as well. No matter if the claims are true or false, the outcome is not pretty in any way. And, all parties involved will need some attention…
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Especially anyone who is not mature enough to understand it on an adult level.
Without getting into my professional history too much, I’ll say that “Yes” I’ve been involved with many cases involving child abuse, rape, incest, and assault and battery. And “Yes” to every question posed in this article. And as to the percentages of real causes as opposed to fraudulent cases, it’s been fifty, fifty, except in central Florida, where the fraudulent cases occur two thirds of the time.
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In the past twenty years here, I’ve seen many an innocent man sent to prison only to discover later that the entire event never took place. And the motive for the fraud was always ‘revenge’ due to personal disagreements or rejection.
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In a world originally designed disordered from the beginning, (the word “Evil” means in an out of best order state) Modesty in all things is prudent. Such is the case with public appearances. The phrase “Modest Fashion or Dress” means, “to present oneself in a manner which prohibits-protects, others from what you don’t intended them to think or feel to you”. Now…………. if a person desires others to think a certain way, they should dress in a manner which accomplishes that result.
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That last paragraph does not mean criminal actions are ok because she wore sexy clothing or the lack of clothing. If a the most attractive woman in the world walks down the street naked, she creates very good odds of attracting the criminal element of society but by no means is rape ok because of her actions. And as far as I’m concerned, anyone who attempts to commit a crime against her should do twenty years or more in prison without any parole.
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Determining what true SIN is, is a very dirty, gross, process. An exercise in swimming in human waste for days. It must be done in order to survive in a natural disordered society. Life is nothing more than a series of choices which always involve degrees of risk. Therefore, modesty in all cases is the best policy. One can really not do any better than that.
Hagar: I read your article, and my allergies kicked up.
Rip off heads? Check.
Spit down stumps of necks? Waste of fluids, in my opinion.