Aides Force Ocasio-Cortez To Watch Entire Run Of ‘Schoolhouse Rock!’

As Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez continued to prepare to take office as an actual congresswoman that people in the United States apparently voted for of their own volition, her aides forced her to sit down and watch the entire run of Schoolhouse Rock!, a popular education program that teaches youngsters rudimentary ideas on topics ranging from economics to politics.

After Ocasio-Cortez entered her office Tuesday, aides gently guided her to a special room they’d prepared with every season of Schoolhouse Rock! prepped and ready to go.

The woman furrowed her brow and nodded slowly as the cartoon characters talked about basic concepts like the three chambers of government, the process of a bill becoming law, and how money works. “I thought Bill was the president a while ago?” she said confusedly, causing an assistant to pause the show and slowly explain what a congressional bill is.

“See how the singing piece of paper is trying to become a law?” the aide said amicably. “That’s kind of how it works, in a broad sense.”

“Ohhh!” she said as realization dawned on her. “But how do they teach the papers to sing? Wait—don’t tell me—socialism?” The aide then sighed and rewound the tape to the beginning a third time.

At publishing time, Ocasio-Cortez had asked to take a break during the episode on basic economics.

It’s not real, it’s The Babylon Bee, but damn do I believe that to be true.

Most people don’t know this, but the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard has a program called the Bipartisan Program for Newly Elected Members of Congress that is mandatory for all newly elected members of Congress.

It runs them through the basics of the rules of order.  How Congress works.  What their jobs are.  Etc.

It happens every December after a national election.

Everything that happens there is private, but I would so love to be a fly on that wall when AOC goes through the program.

I’ve love to get the scuttlebutt from inside that to know which new Members of the House acted like they knew it all already and which ones tried to learn something.  I have a feeling AOC would be in the former.


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By J. Kb

6 thoughts on “Fake but accurate”
  1. Occasional-Cortex will probably sleep through the classes, supremely confident in what she thinks she already knows. If any of her instructors are male, she will level charges of mansplaining and other misanthropy.

  2. I love the pretense that anyone can mandate a program for an elected member of Congress. And if a new member does not go, what will they do? Expel him or her?

    Maybe the real thing that needs to be done is to create a Donald J. Trump Program for Newly Elected Public Officials. This purportedly bipartisan thing is a creature of the party that really rules — the Permanent Bipartisan Fusion Party. Well, DJT was elected to put an end to that.

  3. The fact that this comedy was written is an admission that AOC is a blithering idiot, dumber than a pet rock, and more ignorant than someone who lived their whole life under the aforemention pet rock.

    People who voted for her should be sterilized for the good of the species.

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