In my post Segregation comes for Independence Day, I said:
I guarantee that social media will explode over White people who choose to celebrate Juneteenth will be accused of racism and cultural appropriation and will be told to celebrate their Independence Day next month.
God damnit, I hate being right all the time.
The Root is The Daily Stormer for Black people. It is one of the most viciously racist websites on the internet. It may be worse than The Daily Stormer because it’s actually owned by a major internet media conglomeration that also owns Gizmodo, Kotaku, Jalopnik, Deadspin, Lifehacker, Jezebel, The A.V. Club, The Takeout, The Onion, and The Inventory, which gives it legitimacy that The Daily Stormer doesn’t. If you want to know The Onion stopped being funny, that’s why.
So here is a new article from The Root.
Make Juneteenth Great Again: The Caucasians’ Guide to Celebrating Juneteenth
Now that Juneteenth is a federal holiday, we created a CRT-free educational curriculum to help colonizer Americans resist the urge to gentrify this celebration.
Hold up, white people.
Now that you have officially discovered Juneteenth,* you need to become familiar with the traditions, customs and history lest you succumb to the Caucasian colonization gene and gentrify this auspicious celebration. Before hopping on the Juneteenth bandwagon, you first need to realize that you have no say in driving the narrative about this special day.
Left to your devices, Juneteenth might become a day when you parade around in African headwraps drinking Hennessy just like y’all celebrate Mexican Independence Day on May 5 by donning sombreros and taking shots of American tequila.** So, to protect the legacy of this special day, The Root created this handy-dandy guide to help you become familiar with existing in spaces you don’t own.
Welcome to the Juneteenth Project.
* I’m pretty sure “discover” means “ruined” in Caucasian. Like how y’all “discovered” America, Tulsa and the electric slide.
The 10 Juneteenth Commandments
As a white person, you may not have heard about the 10 Principles of Juneteenth, but trust me, they’re a thing in the Black community. They were developed in the late 1890s by Rev. Samuel Alouicious Lovelace, best known as the first clergyman to pray until the food got cold.
1. Thou shalt not have any holidays before Juneteenth. Juneteenth is the most American holiday. The only reason anyone would be against it is if they were still lamenting over the loss of slavery (so everyone with a Confederate flag). Plus, when those slaveowners sent the Declaration of Independence to King George, most of America (Black people, women, Native Americans, white people who didn’t own land) were not included in the “all men are created equal part.”
2. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor: No calling the police. Just for this one day, don’t be afraid when a Black person is cooking out in the park or walking around existing. This day is about freedom, remember?
3. Thou shalt not whitesplain: Telling us how you already knew about Juneteenth doesn’t mean anything. You’re supposed to know. Black people know about Columbus Day, St. Patrick’s Day and President’s Day but we don’t brag about it.
4. Thou shalt not take the Juneteenth’s name in vain: No one needs your input. Perhaps the best thing you can do to honor Juneteenth is to keep its name out of your mouth. This thing existed without you for a century and a half.
5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s anything: Don’t ask a Black person for anything on Juneteenth. Leading the Juneteenth celebration at work is not part of Keisha in accounting’s job description. Plus, it’s kinda racist. Would you ask your Native American friend to give a talk on Thanksgiving? Or Columbus Day? Or Independence Day?
Also, there’s this thing called “Google.”
6. Remember Juneteenth and keep it holy: Don’t disrespect Juneteenth by wearing kente cloth or cornrows. And please don’t attempt to celebrate by singing slave songs. Negro spirituals are not made for Caucasian vocal cords or acoustic guitars. We don’t need a Juneteenth anthem.
Juvenile, Frankie Beverly and Maze already handled that.
7. Lean not into thine own understanding: You don’t have to teach anyone about this holiday. If they’re Black, they don’t need it. If they’re white, I’m sure they’ll get by like their kinfolk did for the first 155 years they didn’t know about the holiday. If they’re any other person of color, they rolled their eyes and said “What does this motherfucker want now?” when they spotted you heading toward them.
8. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Blackness: Again, Juneteenth is not the cookout. You don’t get a one-day pass to use the n-word or to wear blackface on Juneteenth. If you regularly use the n-word, take a day off.
9. Thou shalt not steal: This includes labor, land, wealth, elections, opportunity, education, due process under the law, the right to not be murdered by police officers, voting rights…
10. Thou shalt purchase gifts for thou Black neighbors: Just kidding. I know you don’t have any.
I told you, I fucking told you that Juneteenth would become a Black-only holiday and that White people, if they would be allowed to celebrate it at all, would be forced to so in a groveling and obsequious way while being called a racist the entire time.
I was so fucking right it hurts.
And don’t tell me this is “satire.” This is a mob boss laughing while he threatens you.
The idea of Juneteeth, a day that celebrates the practical ending of slavery (before it was abolished Constitutionally), increasing freedom and liberty in America, bringing us closer to the aspirational goals of “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness,” is good.
I cannot overstate that.
But immediately, that principle has been yanked away from us like a football out from Charlie Brown and what we are left with is a weaponized, segregated holiday, that gives racist Leftist grievance-mongers a brickbat to attack Conservatives and White people.
The Left instantly turned a day that should be used to celebrate an increase in national unity into a partisan day to drive division.