I was listening to the news and there was a person on air talking about the other, less well known, effects of the Coronavirus outbreak.

One was that the focus on the people of China has caused the pandas to be ignored.  Pitty the poor Chinese panda.

Honestly, I couldn’t give less than a fuck about the giant panda.

It is a bear that is so retarded it can only sit around and eat grass.

Not kidding.

This has nothing to do with humans.  In the early Holocene epoch, there were multiple proto-panda species.  A DNA bottleneck from some natural disaster occurred and now all pandas are cousins.

Pandas are the Charles II of the Habsburg line.  So inbred that they can barely eat and don’t know how to fuck.

Every other species of bear around the world is omnivorous, with the exception of the polar bear which is an obligate carnivore,  and many are apex predators.

The panda, on the other hand, has the dentition and digestive tract of a carnivore but only eats bamboo, and has to eat it for 13 hours a day because they only digest 17% of what they consume.  Cows only eat for 6 hours a day because nearly every other grass-eating mammal is a cud-chewing, four-chamber stomach having rumened, evolved for eating grass.  Pandas transitioned to eating grass because they got to be too mentally and physically handicaped for anything else.

The greatest species of bear is the brown bear or Ursus Arctos, which is such a bear that its name means “bear bear,” first in Latin then in Greek.  The king of bears is the North American subspecies of brown bear, known as the Grizzley whose scientific name is “horrible bear bear” (Ursus Arctos Horribilis).

That’s a bear.

The first rule of nature in North America is “don’t get between a mama Grizzly and her cub.”

You don’t have to worry about that with the panda because the panda probably doesn’t have cubs.  The female is in heat for two days of the year and the male has a three-week mating ritual.  By the time he’s gotten it up, there is a good chance she is no longer in the mood.

Panda mating is such complicated bullshit that we have to show pandas in captivity porn to teach them how to breed.  They are too dumb to screw.

Evolutionary, this is a fucking failure of a species, long destined by the fate of some natural disaster twenty-thousand years ago for the ash heap of history.

But because of some fluke of evolution, they look cute so we do everything we can to delay the inevitable extinction of a useless species.

I don’t care about the panda.  Fuck ’em.



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By J. Kb

4 thoughts on “I have a confession to make”
  1. Hey, cuteness as an evolutionary strategy has some advantages.

    Not a perfect strategy, mind you, but perhaps not the worst.

    1. One of the most successful evolutionary strategies is being tasty to humans. Sucks to be an individual steer sent to the slaughterhouse, but overall cattle are among the most numerous and widespread critters on Earth. No one is worried about saving the cattle from extinction.

    1. Wow. I hate to break it to her, but it’s always been that way.

      My lovely wife can clean a rabbit carcass in 5 minutes with a pair of scissors, and then cook it up like a dream. Ditto for chickens and turkeys. (God bless her for putting up with me!)

      Can Ms. Alyssa even serve a cup of coffee?

Only one rule: Don't be a dick.

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