I saw this tweet from Slate.

My wife’s girlfriend moved in with us, and our work-life balance has never been better: https://t.co/IudKT27ntj pic.twitter.com/2q0EosWWli

— Slate (@Slate) May 3, 2018

Okay, Slate’s click bait broke down my will power.  I’m gonna read it.

Easier With Three.  My wife’s girlfriend moved in with us, and balancing work, life, and leisure has never gone better.

Tell me more…

When people think of polyamorous relationships, they usually jump right to the potential complications: How will you deal with jealousy? How will you schedule your time so that nobody feels shortchanged? What if your partners argue and can’t get along? What if you feel left out when your special someone has a date with a special someone who isn’t you?

No they don’t.  When “people think of polyamorous relationships” they think of threeways.

I once had these worries too, but for nine months I’ve been living with my wife and my wife’s girlfriend (a poly threesome V, rather than a triad, because all three of us are not romantically involved).

Dude!!!  Your wife is sleeping with another woman and you are not in the middle of it?  Yeah, now I understand why she is sleeping with another women.

We’re finding that having more people around means less, not more, complexity—more hands for the chores, more options for socializing and fun, an extra income to help with the bills, and more time for any one of us to spend going our own way.

That is the worst sexual fantasy every.  Two women in your house sharing a bed and all you get out of it is someone extra to help with the chores.

A typical day at our house begins at 6 a.m., when I grab my laptop from my bedside table and begin my work for Slate without getting dressed, or even out of bed. 

You’re a real He-Man aren’t you?  Writing for a Left Wing magazine that doesn’t even require you to get out of bed.

It’s like he has to make it clear in every paragraph why his wife has to sleep with another person.

When it was just the two of us, my wife’s breakfast and morning routine often got in the way of my early-morning productivity.

I’d say that is part of being a husband, having to accommodate another person in your life.

I make sure that before I go to bed the dishwasher is going and the coffee pot is set so all my wife has to do in the morning is pour coffee from a fresh pot into a clean cup.  Doing that takes up some of my time, but I do it because I love her and I am a husband that takes care of things.

I’d feel obliged to keep her company at breakfast, chat about our plans for the day, and help her find her missing shoe (under the blanket, dear, on the floor by the couch).

You “feel obliged to keep her company?”  Just get a fucking divorce already.

Nowadays Cassie and her girlfriend, Mandy, get up at about 7. Mandy makes breakfast. She and Cassie feed and walk our dogs, plan their days, and commute together to their respective workplaces. I get a plate of bacon and eggs brought into the bedroom as I work.

Why the fuck are they still in that house you freeloading cock?

Lest I sound like a leech, I’ll add that having one of the three of us working from home has benefits for Mandy and Cassie as well. 

You are a leech.  What do you bring to this relationship?  You are a writer for Slate who has to have someone else service his wife sexually.  Do you even know which end of a hammer to hold?  I’m pretty sure if you bought a step stool they would throw you the fuck out of the house.

When we inevitably forget which day is trash day, I’m there to do a last-minute dash for the curb.

Ahhh… so everyone in the house is retarded.  That explains it.

I’m around to let a worker in to do repairs or receive a package, and often I’ve got extra time in the afternoon to take a dog to the vet or make a trip to the store.

I was right, you don’t know what end of the hammer to hold.

It turns out that splitting household chores three ways is a lot easier than dividing them in two! 

You finally put down the words “three ways” and it is about chores.  Do you even have a dick?

With dishes, we rotate so that everyone has a luxurious two days off in between each day they spend scrubbing a pan. We each take responsibility for cooking dinner once a week, and then those of us who like to cook (Mandy and myself) work out the rest of the cooking informally between ourselves.

So you are less of a married couple and more like roommates.  I’ve never seen a married couple rotate like this.

Most of the cat feeding and care falls to me, while Mandy and Cassie largely take care of the dogs. 

Of course you take care of the cats.

I hate having to make calls for appointments, insurance, or home maintenance, so Cassie kindly takes them off my plate.

AGAIN!!!  No wonder Mandy took your wife out of your bed.  You can’t do home maintenance.

And the benefits spill over into socializing. My extroverted wife and I had a long-standing tendency to clash on how often we’d go out. With Mandy around, there’s an extra person to go do something with her if I’m not in the mood—and we also do things together as a family, comfortably watching TV, playing video games, or going out for a picnic in the park.

So you play video games while your wife is out on a date night with her girlfriend.  You suck as a husband.

And, would you believe, it’s actually pretty nice to have a bed to stretch out on by myself three nights a week?

No, no it’s not.  That is not something any decent husband would say.  What the fuck is wrong with you?

 One of the few problems we have encountered is that my wife might like to sleep alone once in a while herself.

I doubt it.  She’s probably using that night to get serviced by one of the repairmen you let in because you can’t swing a fucking hammer.

It’s probably not surprising that it’s great to have the income of an extra working adult as well. A rent we could afford as two becomes easy as pie with three, and there’s something extra relaxing about the nights when Mandy treats both of us out to dinner. It’s really common sense—if pooling resources between two people is good, pooling them with three is great!

Mandy is getting the short end of that stick.

Of course, not everyone is going to want to get involved in a polyamorous relationship, and even those who do won’t necessarily find it easy to replicate the structure that we have.

Lets see “somebody else fucks my wife while I play video games and write for Slate, then I cook that person dinner.”

I’m pretty sure you can find a lot of people who would want to be the third party in that relationship.

It helps that Mandy and I were friends before she and Cassie began to date, and that we’d each had success dating others casually without incident before Cassie tried adding a second, serious, long-term relationship to the mix.

So your wife slept around on you a lot before Mandy?

We talked a lot before and immediately after Mandy moved in about how to make things work and set some ground rules around how we’d show affection when all three of us were present, how many nights Cassie would spend with her versus with me, what contribution to the rent it would be reasonable for Mandy to make, and how we’d address it if it didn’t seem to be working out.

Did you actually put considerations about rent and sleeping arrangements in the same sentence?  For any other real man, the moment your wife announced that she need to get her orgasms elsewhere because you weren’t passing the muster, that should have been a full stop.  You said “okay, she can fuck you four nights a week but she needs to kick in her share of the rent too.”

Cassie felt strongly that she didn’t want a hierarchical structure where Mandy felt like she was second class, and while there were a few jitters early on, we’ve found that relating to one another as equal members of one family really works for us. In many ways, we’ve been lucky to make this work for us so well.

Your wife is with someone else the majority of the nights in a week.  There is a “hierarchical structure” and too dumb to see that you are on the bottom of it.

It’s a shame Americans have to luck into work-life balance and that, even with two working adults in the house, so many families are struggling to make ends meet. With employers demanding more and more at work, so many people find they have little left to take home, while having one person stay home while the other works has become less and less feasible as wages fail to purchase what they once did. That’s why so many Americans are so worn down, and work-life conflict is affecting everything from their health to their relationships.

You write for a magazine on the other side of the country from where you live without getting out of bed, you have no work life balance.  I have to be at a factory early in the morning and if I have to stay late I do that too.  That’s a work life balance.

You just write bullshit while avoiding talking to your wife about her day and then let somebody else bang her in the evenings.  That’s not the usual American dream.

The big obstacles in most relationships are in the little details—finances, housework, child and/or pet care, and how to spend free time.

Little details – like who other than you is going to fuck your wife?

Before I lived with my wife’s girlfriend, I might have said that having an extra person would only make the conflicts and disagreements of daily life that much harder to work out.

But you got someone else to make you breakfast so it’s all good?

Instead, for our family, we’ve found the opposite is true. Whether we need an extra set of hands, an extra listening ear, another chum to hang out with, or an extra couple of bucks, our family has found that three can be easier, not harder, than two.

Dude, you don’t have a family.  You have a slow motion divorce in progress.

This is the worse think I’ve read this week.

If you want to write a good three way story, read some Penthouse Forum for good ideas.  If you want to write about your shitty, failed marriage do that too.  But this is the worst possible mashup of the two I can image.  That, or Beta Males really do have the worse sexual fantasies ever.