Found it in Facebook and being Monday, I figure you will need this.
I’d like to apologize in advance for what you are about to read.
What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I’m glad you asked…
12:05 pm: It’s time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it’s a lukewarm PBR and you don’t want to be a coward in front of your older brother’s friends. It’s suppose to be grape flavored but it’s becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.
12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you’ve been saving it for the apocalypse because let’s face it…that time is here. It’s going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don’t care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You’re about to enter a very dark period in your life.
12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of crap in your colon and you basically just drank the “safe for humans” version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it’s time. You’re wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser. Take note…this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.
12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it’s boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you…you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can’t run… NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3…2…1…
12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God…is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The crap / water mixture you’ve just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down. Is that blood? False alarm. That’s just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving…when you were 5. The smell is horrid…the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your butthole to soften the blow but it’s not working. The whole house just heard your liquid shart as it gurgled out of your ass.
1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything’s a blur. You have shit out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800’s, and your butthole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it. You’re now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm’s reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats. You meet Jesus.
8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they’ve seen in the last 8 hours. You’re broken. Your butthole’s broken. Your spirit’s broken. Life as you know it will never be the same. But…tomorrow’s a new day. You’re going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn’t have a shit stain on it, and you’re going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left…and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You’ve earned it.
11 thoughts on “Ode to Magnesium Citrate (Beverage Alert)”
On a trip when I was feeling very touristy, I decided to see Ruby Falls — a three story waterfall inside a cave in Lookout Mountain, Tennessee. During the tour, we were warned not to drink any of the water because the rocks the water had filtered through are rich in magnesium, and there was no way you could reach the surface before the laxative effects kicked in.
Dave Barry wrote a column on prepping for his colonoscopy.
He mentions, “…….at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.”
I have had four colonoscopies in my life before the age of 28. Cancer is a bitch and the fallout that treatment does to the rest of you body is worse. What doesn’t kill you comes with side effects.
I can attest to everything said here is true.
The advice I give is make sure you have plenty of bottled water and a fully charged tablet/iPad ready in the bathroom and accept that you will be there “for the duration.”
A good cleanse will get you through half a season of TNG..
That was one of the shittiest posts I’ve ever read.
The crap you people come up with, is truly foul.
Thank you for sharing my post! I’m glad to see so many people can relate!
Hmmm sounds about how my bout with Norovirus went, except for the added fun of vomiting at the same time part.
Oh boy, was that a fun 12-16+ hours.
I highly recommend you don’t get it.
First colonoscopy huh?
At least the intravenous drugs make up for it.
On the other hand, your writing talents are misplaced. Your report was so funny I gagged and coffee flew out my nose.
I hope you are over the effects by now and the colonoscopy was uneventful.
Laughed SOO HARD
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