I admit it, I become a grouchy SOB when the phone rings and I do not recognize the number displayed in the caller ID. Friends and Family are OK (those who are actually have my phone number) but I consider any other call as an intrusion to my privacy and my peace. I do become a full fledged bastard when the caller ID displays an 800 and related numbers with special rabid performance for telemarketers and collection agencies fishing for information.

A while ago I get a call from what I later found out to be a collection agency. The young idiot on the phone had an attitude that I equate with New Yorkers or Jets Fans (The agency turned out to be from Buffalo) and the conversation went something like this:

<RING>

Me (using my Mangalore voice): Hello?
Collection Agency Idjit (and with an attitude): Good Afternoon. I need to speak with Mrs. Me
Me (regular voice with hispanic accent): You have to speak with Mrs. Me regarding exactly what?
CAI (still with the ‘tude): I am with SumCapitalAgency and I have to talk to Mrs. Me about some financial information.

(Now, the blessed Domestic Six does not use her married name for any financial stuff so I know this guy is fishy. I go for the kill)

Me (switching to Tennessee Accent): And may I ask who the hell are you to order me to to let you talk to my wife?
CAI: Sir as I said….
Me: I asked you young fella. Who the hell are you to order me anything about my wife? I know damn well you ain’t no kin, so I would love an explanation just about now.
CAI (losing his cool): Sir, I have to talk about her …..
Me (switching to Drum Eatenton accent): Listen here young whippersnapper. I don’t take kindly to your attitude and unless you are paying the bills around here, you have a flea’s chance in Saturn to talk to the Missus. Now Bubba, be a good boy and get me a supervisor.
CAI (totally lost it and raising his voice): Sir all I wanted…
Me: You deaf or something boy? Git me a supervisor.
CAI (screaming now): Sir…
Me: I said git me a supervisor. You don’t hear good, do you Bubba? (Don’t ask me why some northerners don’t like being called Bubba for some reason)
CAI (screaming): Sir….
Me: Git me a supervisor.
CAI (screaming): Sir….
Me: Git me a supervisor.
CAI (screaming): Sir….
Me: Git me a supervisor.
CAI (foaming at the moth by the gurgling sounds): Fine!!!! Transferring you!

So I get put on silent hold, yep! Not even Muzak’s version of The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway. I wait some 45 seconds and I get connected to the  Manager On Duty of SumCapitalAgency.

Manager: Good Afternoon Mr. Me, How can I help you?
Me (using a generic Southern Accent I picked up in a movie): Well sir, I am mighty upset about the young feller that called. It seems that he thought he had some sort of ownership rights on my wife ’cause he was ornery and demanding, I say again, demanding to talk to her.  I don’t know where you folks are from, but in these parts down here them are fighting words.
Manager: I am sorry Mr. Me. I was unaware of what happened.
Me: You mean to tell me your boy transferred me to you and didn’t tell you what he did? I think he threw you a sandbag there sir. Quite unfortunate choice of employees your company seem to have.
Manager: Er…ahem. I am sorry for his behavior. We were calling to confirm the address of one Mrs. Urusla Me born in 1907 with an address in Drunken Flamingos Road, Miami Hills.
Me: I am sorry to say you have not only the wrong person but you ain’t even close to the county.
Manager: I do truly apologize sir. We did not mean to upset you.
Me:(back to regular voice with hispanic accent): Well sir, I am disappointed at the way that young man addressed me on the phone. And speaking of phone, Do you know this number is registered with the DoNotCall list and you are right now in violation of Federal Law? Since I am not the person you intended to reach, I must presume you are fishing for numbers out of the phone book and that is a no-no.
Manager (Confused and apologetic): Mr. Me, I see your number is (555) 555-5555 and i guarantee you I’ll have it removed from our list.
Me: I appreciate that sir and (switching back to Tennessee accent) you have a wonderful afternoon, You hear?

<click>

I reckon they won’t be calling any time soon 😉