This is a listicle from The New Yorker.

Seven Signs That Your Man’s Masculinity Is Nontoxic

Oh help me God, this is going to suck.  I’ve checked twice and it is not described as satire anywhere.  It is one of the “Daily Shouts” so I a going to assume it is serious.

1. He carries a tote bag that’s at once pro-environment, pro-feminism, and pro-reading.

This is the picture this goes along with it:

That man carries that bag because his feminist partner put his balls in it.

The type of third wave feminism that puts the “Woman Power” symbol on stuff is more toxic than any masculinity that I’ve ever seen.

Protecting the environment is great, but this type of showy Prius driving environmentalism doesn’t protect the environment.  Yes, you use less gas… and a lot more heavy metal and rare earths from the Congo.  Your hybrid has destroyed more African jungle than my big block V8.

I have a man purse.  It’s made by Maxpedition  and contains a Leatherman, flashlight, tourniquet, Israeli bandage, and a 1911 with two spare mags.  If I’m someplace where the shit might hit the fan, I’m at least partially ready.

That is pathetically sad signaling without substance.

2. When he goes into a sports bar to use the bathroom, he buys a glass of white wine to be polite.

Yes, when you use a bathroom in a business, buy something.  But why go into a sports bar to use the bathroom?  Do sports bars even serve white wine?  This has to be some sort of trolling right?  Isn’t it just easier to buy a no-caff soy latte at the Starbucks?  After this guys buys his White Zinfandel, does he go into the ladies room?

3. He openly cries during Pixar movies—even the parts that aren’t sad, just beautiful.

There is a scene in the beginning of UP and another about halfway through Inside Out that I am convinced will be used as a test to separate humans from replicants.  It’s okay to get a little dusty.

If your man cries his way through The Incredibles, he has the emotional control of a toddler.

4. He opens doors for women at work, but they’re metaphorical doors, like the ones that lead to promotions.

Fucking bullshit.  I’m sorry.  That’s what this is.  If you are a superior it is always good to mentor a subordinate so that they can rise up the corporate ladder.  Every competent employee should be given the chance to succeed.  Give co-workers credit where it is due.

This is not that.  This is self congratulating, and presumably self sacrificing,  “look at me, I got the woman promoted over me” bullshit.

I hope this guy spends the rest of his career never getting more than a minimum cost of living adjustment because he care more about management “diversity” than his own career.  When his kids ask him “daddy, why can’t we go to Disney World?”  He says “because we can’t afford it because this year I made sure Karen got the promotion I deserved since she’s a woman.”

5. He laughs calmly when called a cuck. He laughs loudly when women are funny. He does not laugh when men are not.

He laughs when he’s called a “cuck” because he knows he is one.  He laughs when women are funny, and when they are not funny, because he can’t tell the difference.  He does not laugh at men because he’s been told that male comedy is toxic.  Like all feminists, he is part of the death of humor.

6. He makes references to Kurt Vonnegut because he’s genuinely interested to hear other people’s opinions of Vonnegut’s work. He never makes references to David Foster Wallace.

Horseshit.  He has never read Vonnegut, or if he has he’s read Harrison Bergeron the way Leftists read 1984, as a fucking instruction manual.  He doesn’t want my honest opinion of Vonnegut because it is “stop hanging bags of birdshot on people who don’t reflect your ‘corporate diversity’ initiative you Diana Moon Glampers cuck.”

I have no idea who David Foster Wallace is.

7. He strictly follows all traffic laws when he plays Grand Theft Auto. His Sims world is a matriarchy. He does not have a Twitter account.

The whole point to GTA is to beak the law.  How the fuck else is the game supposed to go?  Does he think the point of PacMan is to get eaten by the ghosts?

How do you build a Sims matriarchy?  The only Sims game worth playing is Sim City and the only reason to build a city is to then unleash a monster on it.

If he doesn’t have a Twitter account, how is he supposed to virtue signal hate against anybody who quotes Christopher Hitchens saying that women aren’t funny.

What I’ve learned here is that my masculinity is fucking poison.  I drive a big fucking truck.  I use it to haul lumber to build and fix things.  I know which end of the hammer to hold.  The only time I don’t have a knife on me is when I’m taking a shower.

I work honestly and diligently, not playing office politics, with the hope that I will be rewarded for my efforts so I can make more money to take care of my family.

I am a provider, a protector, and a defender.  I am the bedrock on which the household is built.   That is the job of a man.

This non-toxic milquetoast masculinity is like building a household on swampland.  There is nothing firm about it, including this guy’s dick.

One day, future humans will be in a museum looking at a display called “The Fall of Ancient America.”  One young person will ask the historian giving the tour “how could a civilization that was so great collapse so quickly?”

The historian will then explain “Ancient America was allowed to fall into disrepair and the savage horde were able to over run it, because the men who were supposed to repair and protect it were more concerned with how toxic their masculinity was than maintaining a functioning civilization.”