I told my wife about how I want my remains disposed off when I die. Cremation for sure, but I want inside the box with my body some 20 pounds of hickory chips and 5 gallons of molasses. I also want some sort of audio reproduction device that activates with a fast rise in temperature connected to a cellular telephone which will send out a pre-recorded message to a select few (or many.)

The idea is that when they shove the box in the crematorium, the audio device will activate, call those above mentioned selected few and hear me say “Damn it, it is getting hot in here! Somebody crack open a window or something!” And for the hickory and molasses, I want people that, as they leave, have a sudden urge for BBQ and head for the nearest pit. And no, there will be no after-funeral munching cold cuts in my name at my house. If I ain’t going to be there to enjoy it, neither will you.

Unless my wife decides something she would really like to do with my ashes (like using me to fertilize the lawn) I wouldn’t mind being sneaked half  into Stones River National Cemetery and half in Evergreen Cemetery, both in Murfreesboro, TN. They are both Civil War cemeteries and I would not mind listening to the old soldiers and their stories. I can’t think of a better way to spend the afterlife.