Dear Lord almightly:

Oregon police department asks public not to call 911 if they run out of toilet paper

This is real.  Here is the text in its entirety:

It’s hard to believe that we even have to post this. Do not call 9-1-1 just because you ran out of toilet paper. You will survive without our assistance.

In fact, history offers many other options for you in your time of need if you cannot find a roll of your favorite soft, ultra plush two-ply citrus scented tissue.

Seamen used old rope and anchor lines soaked in salt water. Ancient Romans used a sea sponge on a stick, also soaked in salt water. We are a coastal town. We have an abundance of salt water available. Sea shells were also used.

Mayans used corn cobs. Colonial Americans also used the core of the cob. Farmers not only used corn cobs, but used pages from the Farmers Almanac. Many Americans took advantage of the numerous pages torn from free catalogs such as Sears and Roebuck. The Sears Christmas catalog, four times thicker than the normal catalog, could get a family of three wiped clean from December through Valentine’s Day; or Saint Patrick’s Day if they were frugal.

Then, of course, there are always alternatives to toilet paper. Grocery receipts, newspaper, cloth rags, lace, cotton balls, and that empty toilet paper roll sitting on the holder right now. Plus, there are a variety of leaves you can safely use. Mother Earth News magazine will even tell you how to make your own wipes using fifteen different leaves. When all else fails, you have magazine pages. Start saving those catalogs you get in the mail that you usually toss into the recycle bin. Be resourceful. Be patient. There is a TP shortage. This too shall pass. Just don’t call 9-1-1. We cannot bring you toilet paper.

How hard is it to figure out what to do if you run out of toilet paper at home?

At work, it might be a litter harder, but you can improvise: the coffee filters in the break room, any memo posted by management, the suit jacket your executive manager left in his office (be sure to turn the sleeve inside out to wipe with the satin lining, then turn it back right side out before putting it back).

But at home, the shower is right there.  What is wrong with people?

You know what.  Maybe the Libertarians are right.  If you run out of toilet paper, offer your neighbors $500 and/or a blowjob for a roll.  Who am I to moralize against profiteering and sex work.

Better yet, let chaos reign.  If you catch your neighbor hoarding toilet paper, wipe your ass with his cat when he lets it out.  Or just steal his toilet paper with swift and violent action.

You know what paper products are still available?  When I went to Lowes yesterday, they still had an aisle full of sandpaper.  Just be sure to get the ultra-fine finish stuff.

There are no rules anymore.  The police cannot handle the downfall of society from the number of people who can’t figure out how to clean shit off their asses in the myriad of ways humans have since the first human civilization was formed in Mesopotamia 6,000 years ago until toilet paper was invented in 1857.

Our Founding Fathers managed to shit and write both the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of the United States without paper on a roll.

Michaelangelo managed to carve the Pieta and paint the Sistine Chapel before toilet paper was commercially available.

Beethoven composed the 9th Symphony before he could wipe ass with mass-marketed ass wipe tissue.

But now that there is a temporary shortage of toilet paper the Western World can no longer function.

We are doomed.  Doomed I tell you.

You know what, maybe I’m thinking about this all wrong.

I need to buy an upholstery cleaner.  There is going to be a lot of money to be made off of people who own fabric couches and had no idea what to do when they ran out of toilet paper for two weeks.