This is a real pamphlet put out by the New York City government about how to have safe sex during the COVID-19 outbreak.
Really.
Really.
Have sex with people close to you.
• You are your safest sex partner. Masturbation will not spread COVID-19, especially if you wash your hands (and any sex toys) with soap and water for at least 20 seconds before and after sex.
But it will make God angry and you go blind. Also, definitely wash your hands after that.
• The next safest partner is someone you live with. Having close contact — including sex — with only a small circle of people helps prevent spreading COVID-19.
Sex with “a small circle of people.” Western civilization used to value monogamy. Now, during a time of outbreak, we have to remind people not to take in every dick they meet.
• You should avoid close contact — including sex — with anyone outside your household. If you do have sex with others, have as few partners as possible.
Sex with just one person you love and are in a relationship with? What is this, Amishland?
• If you usually meet your sex partners online or make a living by having sex, consider taking a break from in-person dates. Video dates, sexting or chat rooms may be options for you.
If you make your living by having sex with strangers, call NYPD Vice and turn yourself in.
• Kissing can easily pass COVID-19. Avoid kissing anyone who is not part of your small circle of close contacts.
• Rimming (mouth on anus) might spread COVID-19. Virus in feces may enter your mouth.
What the fuck is wrong with people? If you are letting feces enter your mouth during a sexual interlude than COVID-19 is probably the least of your concerns. This is how you test positive for hepatitis.
Also, let’s go back one bullet point. Do the other people you kiss know that you also lick assholes. I’m sure that would be high up on my list of pre-date questions. “Before we take this any further, have you ever given a rim job?”
• Washing up before and after sex is more important than ever.
And mouthwash apparently. I’m not a medical doctor but if you are licking assholes you should probably brush your teeth with toilet bowl cleaner and gargle with bleach.
Are we sure that the Coronavirus outbreak in New York City is not a plague from God?
No wonder New Yorkers are fleeing the city for Florida or the Hamptons. They know what is coming next. After all this group sex and ass licking, I suspect fire and brimstone. Maybe the residents of the Big Apple turning to salt.
If the city government has to tell the city residents not to have asshole licking group sex during an outbreak and instead try and hold themselves over by staying home and rubbing one out to a video chat sex worker, maybe that is a city not worth saving.
The entire issue here is not “sex with small group of people” it is contact with “small group of people”
The problem is trying to remind people of how transmission happens.
I happened to go to collage during the AIDS scare. The feeling was that if you caught AIDS you were going to die. Nobody was telling us that it was highly unlikely to get AIDS from heterosexual sex. I.e. if you didn’t put your parts in his anus and you didn’t stick needles in your body, you were unlikely to get it. It was “This is highly contagious and kissing your girl friend could give you AIDS”
So the issue that I had to explain to my girl friend was that if she was having sex/kissing more people than me, that it was the same as if I was having sex/kissing those people, and everybody they were kissing/having sex with.
So if, as a collage kid, you only had a few (3) close partners, in just 6 steps there were 729 “partners” involved.
We are dealing with this right now. We have friends that we are not willing to see because they are not isolating enough. We have family that we are not seeing, because they are stupid and not isolating enough.
Look at the PGP ring of trust ideals. You can sign somebodies key if they have proven to you they are who they say they are. But you only trust the signatures of people that you trust to do the same level of verification. Every step outward increases the odds that somebody is careless in that verification.
“A small circle of people,” huh? I mentioned this to my wife, but she refused to rescind her longstanding order that I’m not allowed to date, even after I told her this was a government order (sorta). Some people are just so old-fashioned!
What if give a rimjob but don’t manage to get any feces in my mouth? Is it safe then? I should probably email DeBlasio for clarification.