Last night George Michael joined the long list of artists that have crossed the Styx river. The Grim Bitch has taken way too many people to name here, including actors, writers, scientists, rockers, etc. There is no doubt we had a less than illustrious year and by far, way above average in the collection of souls. Is there something off? suspicious? I think so. But not Tin Foil Hat/ Government conspiracy, but more like we tempted some sort of vengeful divinities or some sort of control valve was bypassed and the scythe went into overdrive.

You can think whatever you want, but I am going with the control valve theory: something or more likely somebody was holding back Death and he is no longer doing so, thus the wholesale discount on celebrities’ souls. And I will tell you who was that control valve: Abe Vigoda.

Yeah,  I hear you laughing. If you are old fart enough, you will remember as the affable Detective Fish in the comedy show “Barney Miller.” And most of his roles were of equally affable and inoffensive people. But I think Abe Vigoda was a major bad-ass, bear with me for a couple of minutes.

He had one role as a bad guy that was memorable for the low-key approach yet a brutal threat: Sal Tessio in The Godfather. How bad-ass? When Michael Corleone is settling accounts and getting his enemies killed. He sends one killer per head of Mafia Family (Barizini gets 2) but sends at least six people just to get Tessio in a car and they were backed up by the whole compound’s security that included dogs. Michael Corleone was scared shitless of Abe Vigoda, how do you like them apples?

I know, “Oh bullshit, Miguel. That was a movie character. Nothing to do with real life.” OK, maybe so, but how many times, even pre-internet did we hear about Abe Vigoda succumbing to death only to find out later that the sumbitch not only was not dead, but kicking ass? You know it and I know it. Every year, at least twice a year for maybe two or three decades, we got the news that Abe Vigoda had some sort of weird accident or was suddenly fell by some mysterious illness only later to be found a lie. I think that the events indeed happened, but Abe was able to fend the attacks because he was such a bad-ass, he would flip the finger to death and then go for a swim at Love Canal because he was fucking Abe Vigoda and F U!

Now, this past January, something happened ( I don’t think we will ever know) and Death finally managed to get Abe. The “blockage” was removed and Death went to work overtime on the long list of delayed celebrities that had been scheduled to join the Tour of the Afterlife. Coincidence? I think not!

That is my theory and I am sticking to it!