Somebody show this girl to a pole
There are two things that I can guarantee I will see every Independence Day, fireworks, and every Left leaning news and opinion site publishing articles about why ackchyually America is a racist, bigoted, mysogonistic, shithole… yadda yadda yadda…
I caught a story from Jezebel:
A Modest Proposal: Let’s Rename Independence Day Literally Anything Else
I don’t need to read this to know she’s going to name is something Anti-American or totally banal.
(Skip to the end)
With that in mind, I’ve put together some quick suggestions on alternate holidays much more in line with America’s next generation, which still allow us to enjoy a long summer weekend:
Everyone Posts the Same Flag Cake on Instagram Day (Hazel Cills)
Unionize Your Workplace Day
MoviePass Memorial Day
Legalize Marijuana (And Release All “Drug Offenders”) Day
Crash Didn’t Deserve An Oscar Day
Old Town Road Day
Kamala Harris Is Still a Cop Day
Hot Dog Day (Megan Reynolds)
Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston Memorial Day (Julianne Escobedo Shepherd)
It’s Ok To Wear Those Flip-Flops Day
Reparations Are An Essential Political Agenda For Any Democratic Candidate Hoping To Be Elected Day
Yes You Can Eat Three Ice Creams Today Day (Alexis Sobel Fitts)
Abolish ICE Day
De-platform Gwyneth Paltrow Day
Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle Is A Better Movie Than The Original Day
Rihanna’s Side Boob Day
I’m sorry you had to read through all that.
But if we go back to the beginning of the article everything makes sense, and I propose a solution that will keep us from having to deal with more of this shit in the future.
Note the two important parts I’ve bolded:
If you haven’t been paying attention, America is pretty fucked. And most of us have long been radicalized out of our previous understanding of the country we live in as an oasis of simple, wholesome pleasures. There’s not a single person I know that still refers to Columbus Day as anything other than Indigenous People’s Day. And Father’s Day? I think we can all agree it was the right decision to rename it, “Rewatch Lord Of The Rings for the Xth Time In An Attempt To Escape Generational Trauma Day.” But in an age when children are locked in cages at our border, trans women are murdered at excessively high rates, abortion rights are threatened nationwide, sexual predators hold many of our nation’s most powerful offices, Pete Buttigieg and the reanimated corpse of Joe Biden are dueling the astral projections of Marianne Williamson in the Democratic primary, and laborers have had our rights and wages stolen from us—is there anything left to celebrate?
I understand now. She has daddy issues and got radicalized in college.
Fortunately there is a solution for this.
For decades, girls with daddy issues didn’t end up as writers for online shit-rags like Jezebel, they danced on poles for money.
We can’t fix daddy issues, but we can do a better job of sorting this girls away from radical Leftist professors and towards stripping.
I can’t promise that they will be any better off, but between seeing boobs for a dollar and having to read another screed by some gender studies graduate how much America sucks, I will take boobs any day.