News from the Democratic People’s Republic of New York City and Long Island.  

Four persons, three gender confirmed men and one gender confirmed woman swam across the Hudson River to the United States.  Interdiction was attempted by the Committee for New York Security, but being unable to verify that the four individuals were persons of privilege at the time, were hesitant to fire upon them.  

Commissar of the Bronx Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, denounced these individuals as” traitors” and “greedy, privileged, able-bodied white people,” reminding her constituents that their families will be forced to pay their fair share for the suffering caused by these people depriving the community of their labor.  

This has been the third group to swim the Hudson since Commissar Ocasio-Cortez began an increased crackdown on contraband black-market rat burgers after all meat had been banned for non-government official consumption as a way of fighting greenhouse gas emissions.