Back in 2012, I watched with embarrassment, Obama make a statement about the Navy that was so ridiculous that on that statement alone, he shouldn’t have been reelected.

Tonight I watched the GOP primary candidates fail to answer a question about the US nuclear triad correctly.

So I would like to put on my best politician voice and address these two political points from a strategic and historical perspective.

*Clears throat*

“Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to explain exactly why it is critical to build up the United States Navy, and why it should be the priority when we update our nuclear armament.

The United States Navy is the big swinging dick of American foreign policy.

When you need a country occupied, ground held, you call the Army.

When you want complete air superiority, you call the Air Force.

But when you want to stare down some petulant piss-ant warlord or megalomaniac dictator, and remind him who’s boss, you park a United States Navy carrier group off the coast of his country.  That is two-hundred-thousand tons of sovereign United States, manned by some 7,500 of our nation’s best, deployable anywhere in the world in 24 hours, armed to the fucking teeth, and ready to strike at a moment’s notice.

If we want to bomb said warlord’s bunker, we can have an F-18 super hornet delivering ordinance in minutes from the deck of a carrier.

If we want to turn his favorite desert campsite into a crater, we can launch a Tomahawk missile from a destroyer.

If we want to capture his ass, we can deploy the SEALS.

If we just want to stomp his militia into paste, we send in the Marines.

The Army and the Air Force, we have to deploy either from stateside or a regional base.  We have to create a staging location from which we can deploy those forces.  It takes weeks and months to mount an operation like that.

The Navy is just there, waiting to kick some ass.

If the sheer intimidation factor of a carrier strike group isn’t enough to get what we want, we can always introduce Supreme Leader Shit-for-Brains to the wonder that is the Ohio Class Guided Missile Submarine.

We have 18 of them.  Silent holes the water.  Undetectable.  We can just about sail one of these into his asshole and he wouldn’t notice until his toilet paper comes back covered with anti-fouling paint.

Each armed with 24 Trident Missiles.  Each missile capable of delivering eight, 100 kiloton, W76 thermonuclear warheads.  Never mind waiting for a B2 stealth bomber to fly half way around the world.  We have nukes on demand and can have them detonated on target before Supreme Leader Shit-for-Brains can get his ballistic missiles pointed skywards.

And that ladies and gentlemen is the entire point of the Navy.  For when we need to fuck up another country and not have to wait to do it.  We can put the Navy where we want it, where we think it needs to be, to hang it over the heads of anybody who forgets that the United States is the biggest bad ass on the block.  It is the very tip of the spear.  It is the big stick.  I intent to poke those who mean us harm with it to remind them of their place in the world, and if they act up, I will speak softly, and beat them to fucking death with it.”


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By J. Kb

13 thoughts on “Of Battleships and Debates”
  1. I think a significant portion of the problem is that the Liberal parties in the US have a gross misunderstanding as to which party in a disagreement the “big stick” is meant to be used on.

    Or whether violence is ever an acceptable solution.

  2. Mahn’s premise has never been disproved- if you control the oceans, you control the world.
    Give up control of the ocean, and your enemies can literally come knocking- if they’re feeling nice. Starvation is the other option.

      1. He’s lurking somewhere, reading this on his iPhone while sipping his coffee and silently plotting. Be afraid Miggy, be very afraid. lol

  3. Navy have several jobs, not the least of which is force projection. This is going to get tougher in the near future. See “Riding the Red Horse” anthology, one or two interesting stories about war in the near future. Our platforms are going to need to change.

    Big ships are missile or torpedo sponges, which is why they are surrounded by little ships/sponges. I’m including Marine transport in this. The LCS is not the step forward we need.

    We’re already in one proxy war, what happens when the upstarts we are trying to intimidate get rail guns, drones or high capacity lasers. Nukes have been around a long time, everyone can build one. Fortunately gas is hard to deploy and biologicals are still difficult, but will get easier. Then there is economic war where currency or financial systems are undermined. What about…

    You get the idea. I’ve former Navy and I’m all for “Go Big Blue” but the future is coming. Asymmetric warfare will make traditional warfare even easier.

    We still need force projection, but the tools will need to change.

    1. But we’ll never be fighting 100% against irregular asymmetric forces. There is North Korea, Iran, Libya, etc. We need the ability to fight terrorism but we can’t give up our ability to fight nations with modern armies.

      1. I agree, but again I’m saying the nature of conventional war is going to change. Asymmetric war draws focus and resources away from fighting wars with nations. While we are not paying attention, technology has the potential to change how war is fought, especially if the country we go to intimidate is acting as a proxy for a superpower that is providing some technological help. Our Asymmetric war is a long war and has a lot of potential to draw our attention away from conventional war.

        There are technologies on the horizon that will make an aircraft carrier more vulnerable than today. At what point do we shift our forces, and to what platforms. How do you deploy Marines or planes when any surface ship is easily lased? How do you provide infrastructure in the midst of a cyber war. What happens if your terrorists decide to complicate life.

        We live in interesting times, but they are going to get more interesting.

  4. “The United States Navy is the big swinging dick of American foreign policy.”

    While I fully acknowledge the awesome power of the U.S. Navy and the persuasion it represents, I would like to point out that I have never hit or intimidated anyone with my penis.

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