Back in 2012, I watched with embarrassment, Obama make a statement about the Navy that was so ridiculous that on that statement alone, he shouldn’t have been reelected.
Tonight I watched the GOP primary candidates fail to answer a question about the US nuclear triad correctly.
So I would like to put on my best politician voice and address these two political points from a strategic and historical perspective.
“Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to explain exactly why it is critical to build up the United States Navy, and why it should be the priority when we update our nuclear armament.
The United States Navy is the big swinging dick of American foreign policy.
When you need a country occupied, ground held, you call the Army.
When you want complete air superiority, you call the Air Force.
But when you want to stare down some petulant piss-ant warlord or megalomaniac dictator, and remind him who’s boss, you park a United States Navy carrier group off the coast of his country. That is two-hundred-thousand tons of sovereign United States, manned by some 7,500 of our nation’s best, deployable anywhere in the world in 24 hours, armed to the fucking teeth, and ready to strike at a moment’s notice.
If we want to bomb said warlord’s bunker, we can have an F-18 super hornet delivering ordinance in minutes from the deck of a carrier.
If we want to turn his favorite desert campsite into a crater, we can launch a Tomahawk missile from a destroyer.
If we want to capture his ass, we can deploy the SEALS.
If we just want to stomp his militia into paste, we send in the Marines.
The Army and the Air Force, we have to deploy either from stateside or a regional base. We have to create a staging location from which we can deploy those forces. It takes weeks and months to mount an operation like that.
The Navy is just there, waiting to kick some ass.
If the sheer intimidation factor of a carrier strike group isn’t enough to get what we want, we can always introduce Supreme Leader Shit-for-Brains to the wonder that is the Ohio Class Guided Missile Submarine.
We have 18 of them. Silent holes the water. Undetectable. We can just about sail one of these into his asshole and he wouldn’t notice until his toilet paper comes back covered with anti-fouling paint.
Each armed with 24 Trident Missiles. Each missile capable of delivering eight, 100 kiloton, W76 thermonuclear warheads. Never mind waiting for a B2 stealth bomber to fly half way around the world. We have nukes on demand and can have them detonated on target before Supreme Leader Shit-for-Brains can get his ballistic missiles pointed skywards.
And that ladies and gentlemen is the entire point of the Navy. For when we need to fuck up another country and not have to wait to do it. We can put the Navy where we want it, where we think it needs to be, to hang it over the heads of anybody who forgets that the United States is the biggest bad ass on the block. It is the very tip of the spear. It is the big stick. I intent to poke those who mean us harm with it to remind them of their place in the world, and if they act up, I will speak softly, and beat them to fucking death with it.”