Via ENDO:

This guy can be all the ninja he wants, but he would not last 10 seconds in a fan fight with my 83-year-old mother.

Mom is old school Spaniard and even though she was raised just a poor farm girl, she did learn and carried (and still carries) a fan for those nasty summer days outside the confines of an air-conditioned venue.

The fan also served as behavior modification tool to control her not-so-well-behaved child who may need a quick attitude adjustment in public. For many years she carried one made of “nacarina” which is simply artificial nacre but harder.  And it was hard as heck as my assaulted body parts will testify.

And now that I realize it, she would escalate according to the situation just as any police officer would do with the tools available in his belt. A quick and noisy deployment of the fan would be an attention-getter, sort of discrete warning that I might not be acting properly and she was watching. The next step would be a closing and again a noisy opening this time followed by a fast wave of the fan as she was overheated; that was pretty much the last warning you got.

If I was sitting next to her and not behaving properly, the fan would close and 12 ultra hard spikes would suddenly be jammed on my side. They were not sharp or pointy, but I swear she could penetrate the thoracic cavity if she wanted it. That hurt!

The other punishment option was the fan closed and used as baton. yes, amazingly so and properly applied that thing would bring anybody down. Most of the time she would just tap me on top of the head hard enough to get my attention but not enough to draw blood. She would use the “accordion” side (all blades on top of each other) which would add sound but not extra pain.

Now, if I had managed to royally piss her off, she would use the hard side (all blades next to each other) and go for an ear punch. Forget ASP, forget Monadock batons and truncheons: this puppy properly applied would bring down the most hyperactive 8-year-old anywhere…and is she missed and caught the jaw line under the ear? Lights out for Miguelito.

Her old fan finally gave up the ghost after 40 years of faithful service. She asked me to get her a replacement, but she wanted something light & smaller because she was not young anymore and didn’t want to carry such a big contraption.  Seeing this was my chance for safety, I got her a delicate-looking fan made of sandalwood, almost a veneer that I was afraid to open for I was sure it would break. I gave it to her and she loved the size, lightness and the smell of the wood. With a hint of a smirk, I turned around confident I was finally safe from her attacks.

She poked me hard on the ribs…. for old times’ sake she said.