– I do this every time I am forced to go to Mass Laboratory Franchise to get my blood work done: When you head out and are about to hit the lobby full of people, grasp your arm where the blood was drawn. As you walk through the lobby, be sure to have a face full of pain and mutter some words about “being stuck like a pig” “Lord this hurts so effing much” or words to that effect. Enjoy the faces of sheer panic that develop amongst the waiting patients.
– If you are standing in line or in a crowd that has no concept of personal space, it is time to bring out your split personality. Have a muted yet entertaining conversation with your other self and let it develop into an argument.
– At the ’10 items or less’ fast checkout lane in a supermarket if you are right behind the idiot with 64 items in the cart: count every beep of the scanner loudly. Math-challenged shopper will usually turn several shades of red or get upset. Either way it is fun to watch.
– At Mass: When doing the Sign of the Cross, instead of saying “In the Name Of The Father….” go “Glasses, Nuts, Wallet & Gun.” Not only you will suddenly have more space but the collection plate will not be anywhere around you.
– Apparently it is bad form to light a cigarette with a Paschal candle but the gasps from the congregation will be phenomenal. (I am officially banned from a church for pulling this stunt. Double points for being during a baptism in which I was the godfather. And yes, you can call me Don Miguel.)
Happy Friday!
I married into a Catholic family. I think they scowl at me when I don’t take part in the mass prayers and crossing of myself at mealtime.
If I were to start crossing myself though, I think I would be mumbling “Spectacles, testicles, wallet, watch”.
I learned that from my college roommate, who learned it from a priest in Catholic high school.
I had to do the gun thing as gunnie I would give you many tips to piss Catholics up, but I figure you like your better half. One tip though: If your in-laws have an older female all dressed in black: RUN. The old widow biddies are more powerful than Voldemort
Bible thumpers is what’s wrong with this world!
Are you being sarcastic, or merely forgetting the evils that Communism has wrought with neither hide nor hair of any power higher than the shaven monkies participating?
The first 3 are hilarious, and I shall need to remember them. The last 2 are also hilarious, but for entirely different reasons.
I shall avoid posting all the crap that a Catholic with a twisted mind has pulled over the years…….damn I just remembered that a Catholic retreat has me banned also, but as in a group thing we did and the nuns were pissed as hell.
So that is why I am getting all the hate mail from the Vatican.
I’m not Catholic, just Christian. Also, it’s your own blog, you can post what you want on it.
Some things are just funnier at a distance.
(my dad regards Catholicism as a fantastic church for turning out Atheists.)
I usually tell dentists that for $50, I won’t scream.
Never works though…
Many years ago I succumbed to peer pressure and got my ear pierced. It wasn’t too bad but as it was done in an open kiosk at the mall and I had a nice little crowd watching I decided to ham it up a bit. When she did the piercing I yelled out loud, drummed my feet on the floor and started sobbing loudly and moaning about “The pain, the brain searing PAIN!”. Those folks watching evaporated like smoke from an Jaguar electrical system. Women huffed, kids started crying and men winced and shot me dirty looks. It was a good day.
Next time, wear on old white dress shirt. Take with you a tube of Halloween costume blood. After your poking, go to the bathroom and soak your sleeve with the fake blood. Walk out through the lobby. Enjoy the havoc!