I caught this post over Bayou Renaissance Man discussing tortillas and I cringed.  (Waving old man’s fist in anger at Peter) and I figured somebody in the Gun Community has to come forward and clear the kitchen counter.

First, I have no idea why Mexicans call that baked blob of cornmeal a tortilla.  It ain’t but a wrapper for beans and ground puppy or cat.  Second, a fritatta is a weak ass and thin Italian copy of the Spanish Tortilla. It is a mystery because there is nothing thin and flavorless in Italia cuisine but I guess since we got to potatoes before anybody else in the Old Continent, we have an advantage.

With that set, I am gonna give a quit pictorial reference on how to make an Honest To God You Can Take To The Pearly Gates Spanish Tortilla. First, let me show the example of “modern tortilla” is being passed as done by modern Chefs:

I showed this to my sainted mother and she went R Lee Ermey on the alleged chefs including the assurance that their mothers must have copulated with strange forest animals.

She had already decided to make a tortilla today and I went ahead and take pictures of the process. Shall we begin?

The ingredients.

The basic Tortilla is eggs and potatoes plus seasoning (salt and a dash of pepper if you require.) You can add other stuff to enhance the experience. In this case we have ham, onion and chorizo (again, real chorizo, not the Mexican recycled armadillo from the highway shit)

The cooking.

Taters, ham, onions and chorizo get fried till the fries are soft but not turning golden brown yet. The strange color you see is from the chorizo seasoning which will permeate the whole tortilla.  While this is happening, you crack the eggs and beat/whisk them till uniform and set aside.

Next you will separate the oil from the tater mixture using a colander. Save that oil for other cooking enterprises, it is full of flavor! Let the oil drain, then pour over the egg batter and stir till all is properly covered.

You can let the mixture rest for a bit while you prep your frying pan. In fact I have to recommend the Fritatta Pan Set (See? I don’t really hate the Eyetalians) which will make the labor safer and easier.  So next? Pour the mixture into one of the pans at medium heat (barely a touch of oil in it) and make sure it is spread evenly.

Here comes experience: We have done this so many times, easily thousands of times in my lifetime that I really don’t keep time. Again, we are at medium so about 2-3 minutes to set. look at the edges of the tortilla and see how cooked they are. Give the pan a slight shake and if it does not slide too much after the 2-3 minutes, you are ready to flip.

Cover with the other pan making sure they are locked, grab by the handle and the locking pieces (with appropriate pan holder to avoid those pesky third degree burns) and with one swift rotational move…

…flip.

Again, 2-3 minutes. This time you can use a wooden spoon to check the cooking status. The less surface-give, the more cooked it will be. How cooked will depend on your particular taste. I like mine a bit moist/runny as I believe it tastes better that way. Do not overcook!

If you feel the first side need a bit extra, you can flip again, but don’t leave it for more than 30 seconds. After that, remove from the heat and serve.

I don’t recommend “sliding out” the tortilla off the pan into the tray. I cover the pan with the tray and do another flip making sure you exercise as much force as if you were holding a 500 S&W revolver in an Isosceles position and about to shoot.  For the non-gunnies that means a lot of effort keeping both things together so it won’t spill when you flip it.

And this is the result of a real tortilla.

No voids!

Firm, yet juicy.

The great thing about the tortilla is that could be eaten warm, at room temp and even cold from the fridge. It is the Spanish Pizza !

Well, I do believe I have covered the basics. And I know the tortilla of my ancestors tastes better than the Dollar Store Mexican wrap crap.

I need a nap now…